INSIDE MY MIND

Who am I? I have this question running in my mind. So many thoughts, so many observations, so many behaviour patterns. I like to think I am this chill, fun-loving human who is intelligent and loved by everyone. I also like to believe that I am good at everything I do and never make a mistake. I always introduce myself as someone who loves to try new things.

On closer inspection, I see that I do take myself seriously. On other occasions, I find myself very uptight or rather scared of the trying something new. In a moment of false bravado driven by ego, I do venture into the unknown territory with a pretend calm. Once I am over my initial apprehension, I figure out that it is not too bad. In fact, I enjoyed it! I almost come to the same conclusion every time, I throw myself in these validation-seeking new pursuits. Yet, inertia keeps me glued to my place and prevents me from trying more things.

The thoughts that mainly run through my mind are “What if I am bad at this? What if people think I am lame? What if I make a laughable mistake?” My mind decides – it is better to do stick to the things that I am good at. Isn’t that how I have gained so many compliments? Isn’t that what makes me look good in front of my friends? Isn’t that what saves me from awkward mistakes?

I am not doing myself a favour by staying put in the same patterns. I want to breakthrough. I truly want to be the chill, fun-loving, intelligent human I think I am. Yet, I am also the self-contained, self-doubting, self-conscious person. It feels like the lens through which I see myself gives me a distorted view. Sometimes, I am this confident person, ready to take on the world. Other times, I am overthinking every emotion I feel?

Perhaps I am both. Perhaps I am just becoming. But the question remains—who really am I?