INSIDE MY MIND with ZIL

Sometimes everything is so short-lived. You are left surprised – Didn’t it just start? How did it come to an end so quickly? Didn’t I just arrive? How come I have to leave so soon? I had just started having fun, loosening up. I had just started to feel myself again. Do I have to hide me already?

The old doors need to be closed so that new ones open or so I have been told.

Why can’t I just put my foot in the door and prop open the doors which I don’t want to be closed. Why can’t I just hold them open for myself? Or would that mean suffering the pain in my arms by constantly holding them out, not letting them close? Would someone else be a sweetheart and yank it open for me?

Who is the one that laid out the laws of opening and closing doors – deciding which ones need to be closed, which ones need to be opened, how much to be opened and when and how? Do you know him? Can you please introduce him to me? Can he teach me the rules? I am tired of trying to figure them out myself.

Oh, it would be so much easier if he could teach me! I could learn them up. I am really good at learning things. I am just not good at opening and closing doors.

Do you also face the same problem? Or is it just me who is crazy? Are you also as lost as I am? Or a little more? Does it also mess up your head? Does it also leave you emotionally naked and vulnerable? Does it also make you build up strong concrete walls around yourself?

If yes, can we please go to find this law-making person together? Or would that be too much to ask? Would that mean letting our guards down? Would that mean letting you jump over to my side of the wall? Or do I have to break my wall altogether? Will that hurt? Am I ready for it? Will it be worth it?

How do I assure myself that propping open the door for you is the right thing? How do I know that you are the right person? How do I know that you will be able to heal the rigid scars of the past? How do I know that this is the door that needs to be opened? Damn that law-making person! Wish he had already taught me the rules!